A: I realized you like to go into deep thought. You’re the kind that thinks a lot.

Me:  I don’t know. (Well, I do like to space out some of the time and think of something else out of the topic. Maybe I have so many things in mind that are waiting for me to solve them.)

A: I’m curious what you are thinking most of the time.

Me: I don’t know. (I too want to know)

 

                So many things happened in my university life. It’s so dramatic than I ever imagined. There was so much joy, so much sadness, so much conflict, so much surprise, so many unknown, and so many choices.  I want to become stronger, I want to take more challenge, I want to solve more problems, I want to learn managing, I want to give advice, I want acknowledgement , I want critics, I want to become better.

                The more I learn, the more I see, the more I realize every single thing in life is an opportunity for me to learn, for me to grow, for me to understand. I’ve taken up so many challenges until there are not many empty slots left in my timetable. I feel like my bedtime is getting lesser day by day when I realize time plays a crucial role in this learning process. Life can be so short and meaningful and it can be so long and meaningless.

                Maybe that’s one of the reasons I spent time unwinding, reorganizing, processing what I have in mind.

 

                I always tell myself to be tough, be discipline, be good, be great etc because I want to be a role model for my brother and sister, not to make my elders worried, want to influence others telling them this is not hard. But in the end when I’m sad, when I’m pressured, I’ll cry without anyone seeing, I’ll shout without anyone hearing,

                I tried to continue with my life like normal after something sad had happened. I want others to treat me normally like they used to be. But in the end, it hurts to hear, it hurts to see, it hurts to think. It hurts so much it’s like stabbing a fork right into my chest. I don’t know how to react. I think it’s obvious my expression changed. I still can’t get it over.

 

B: Can you imagine telling your dad how you do that?

Me: … (I wasn’t sure who is he referring to but it felt like shattered glass flowing into your heart).

 

If I’m writing this on a paper, I think no one will be able to read the last line. It will be blurred.  

I miss him so much.

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It’s getting harder and harder to continue on this road.

I knew,

To find a path in the bushes is easy.

But as I walk on,

The bushes get thicker and thicker along the road.

The light at the end of the path gets dimmer and dimmer.

Will I reach the light before I get lost?

I’ve chosen this path.

I have to keep walking.

I have to keep trying.

 

I can always turn back of course.

Back to the junction where I made my choice.

Following the path I left behind.

A trace that is almost made permanent.

But that is not what I want.

Going back to zero,

After all my hard work exploring a new path.

 

More sacrifices are being made.

Leaving scars all over.

Still,

I take a deep breath,

And I walk on.

No matter how many obstacles.

I’ll walk on.

No matter how dim is the light.

I’ll walk on.

 

 

 

 

Sad, angry, guilty, fear, stupid, bless, tired, stress, helpless, useless, depress… so many feelings dwelling in my heart at this moment. As if a storm is hitting my heart. As if a tremor of magnitude 9 is happening in me. At this starless night, the day before I left my home to an unfamiliar place.

 

Sad, because I don’t get help from someone who can help but refuse to help just because he doesn’t know me.

 

            Angry, because someone bother to find out whose fault to begin with instead of using the precious time we had to solve the problem at this critical moment.

 

 

            Guilty, because of the inefficient way of me solving problems causes this to happen and people who have nothing to do with it are drag into it.

 

            Fear, because accident may happen tomorrow even though I’ll try my best to avoid it.

           

            Stupid, because I believe what I did will cause less trouble.

 

            Bless, because there’re still people who will help me to the end and people who tried to cheer me up.

                       

            Tired, because I tried so hard to stay calm and confident. So I don’t make others panic.

 

            Helpless, because I know so little about it.

 

            Useless, because I can’t even explain the situation and the details to them due to lack of knowledge.

 

            Depress, because it ended like this.

 

Got to deal with this for another 12 hours or more. It's like holding a time bomb, it either explode in the end or it'll be defuse by me. Hope it can end sooner.